A lot of men out there tend to take on a "macho" mindset, where they believe they are the best sex ever in a woman's life, can easily make them orgasm, and are the sex god at making happy endings happen. Often, the cockiest men (no pun intended haha) are the ones who need the most help in the "sex" department.
Within any relationship, there is always room for self-improvement, including within your sex life. In fact, a change of thinking might just be the thing that takes your sex life from "decent" or "good" to absolutely "mind-blowing" for you and your partner. Here are the top five common sex mistakes I see men make within their sex lives. Knowing this information might even just help to save your sex life too if it's hanging by a thread! Check out these common mistakes below.
Sex Starts Inside The Bedroom
One the most common sex mistakes I see men make all the time with women is thinking that sex starts as soon as you get into the bedroom together. Men, foreplay doesn't just begin once you hit the bedroom and/or when you are ready to have sex. In fact, foreplay isn't just physical pleasure either (which is something I talk about more in detail in this post).
How men get "turned on," in comparison to how women get "turned on," is so different. As a man, when you get "turned on" and ready to get down and dirty with a woman, it's an instant reaction you have. It's like flicking a light switch into the "on" position - your arousal is instant! For woman, it's a bit more complicated. You have to work for her arousal. And this is where men make a BIG mistake - they assume woman are the exact same as them too!
If you don't properly turn her on, don't be surprised over the fact that you have a bad sex life because she tells you that she's "not in the mood" or is "feeling too tired" or saying she has a "headache." Sure these could all be legitimate, but more than likely, you haven't been able to turn her on the way SHE really likes to be turned on. Because women are the complete opposite to you as a man in this way.
To use an analogy most men would understand, women are very similar to how cars are like on a very cold winter day that haven't been driven in awhile and are covered in ice and snow. To get the car drivable (in this case, a woman "turned on" for you too), you need to warm up the engine. You need to also take care of the car too by cleaning off the snow and ice. And once the car has been warmed up for a while and taken care of, it's time to go for a ride!
A woman is no different here than a car in this case. Women rarely ever get "turned on" instantly like you men do. We need to be "warmed up" first, and that "warming up" starts actually starts OUTSIDE the bedroom, long before you're interested in having sex. In fact, this "warming up" starts hours, and maybe even days and weeks before even getting into the bedroom. Which moves us into the next common mistake men make when it comes to sex...
Only Sticking To Physical Pleasure/Foreplay
When someone often describes their "turn-ons" and "turn-offs," they are generally described in a way that talks about physical pleasures and interests. Things like kissing, cuddling, hugging, and of course, sex. However, we are also capable of emotional and mental "turn-ons" and "turn-offs" as well. And for women, these two types of "turn-ons" and "turn-offs" are crucial to us, because majority of women out there are not most aroused on a physical level, like majority of men are, but on a mental and emotional level.
These means you need to step up your "romantic foreplay" game if you want to be getting more sex in your life. Now what is "romantic foreplay" exactly? This is a term I personally coined to help my clients with improving their sex lives, because this term is key for winning your woman over, and getting more sex. "Romantic foreplay" includes things like communicating with her, complimenting her, sharing your feelings with her, being affectionate to her, hugging, kissing, and holding hands with her - just to name a few things!
Focusing on her needs and turn-ons without the motivation/expectation for sex from her, will not only make her feel happier and more confident, but more turned on and wanting to have sex with you in return. And the more you turn her on with "romantic foreplay" (especially if you know her love language too!) and continue doing so on a regular basis (this means daily men), the more turned on a woman will be towards you.
Expecting Penetration Alone To Make Her Orgasm
I'm about to drop a sex bombshell on you men that's going to blow your mind! Did you know that only 20% of women can orgasm from penetration/sex alone? This means that 80% of the women out there are not able to orgasm through sex/penetration alone. Now, by me sharing this fact alone, it might shatter some men's sexual confidences out there a bit. Especially men looking back on their sexual history (present or past) and realizing that most the women he was with that “orgasmed” during intercourse only, were most likely faking it.
Unfortunately, a lot of women out there make the common sex mistake on their end of thinking they are being caring towards you and your feelings by “faking it” during sex to make you feel good. What they don’t realize though, is that they are setting both of you up for failure and sad sex lives together. This is why I always encourage the men I work with to have active communication in the bedroom to find out what a woman really wants.
So if the majority of women can’t orgasm through intercourse, then how can you make her orgasm? Women orgasm much more consistently from oral sex than from intercourse. Some other ideas include sex positions where she is on top and/or using sex toys, like a vibrator, in the bedroom. These are all great ideas as what makes 80% of women orgasm is through clitoral stimulation. Which leads me into the next common sex mistake men make...
Focusing Only On Clitoral Stimulation
Clitoral stimulation. Now that I have your attention let's talk about another common sex mistake men make. In the last point, I shared about how men can make the mistake of only focusing on penetration/sex to make their woman orgasm. However, this doesn't necessarily that the answer then is to put full focus on her vagina, and especially clit, down there to make a woman orgasm. It doesn't work that way.
In fact, you can't focus just ONLY on clitoral stimulation to make a woman orgasm. To put it into understanding for you men, it's the equivalent of a woman giving you a blowjob and she only focuses on the tip of your penis, and nothing else. Sure it feels great, but you want her to focus on different areas and do different techniques too right? Women are no different in that matter.
Actually, the only difference is that our anatomy as women is a bit more complex than yours as men. Some men don’t understand the anatomy of the clit. It’s more than the small "button" you can see. Its nerve endings spread throughout the vulva and inside the vagina and all are potential pleasure points worth exploring.
Paying too much attention to the same thing, in this case, her clit, can actually take away from the pleasure for some women. This is because it can become so sensitive that too much stimulation can actually hurt after a bit. So men, be careful that you don't make this common mistake as well too. Always try different things and actively communicate with her to see what she likes (and to know what exactly gets her off).
Assuming You Know What She Wants
Do you know what they say when you assume? You make an ASS out of YOU (U) and ME. Trust me, spell it out ;) Ok well in this case you are just making a huge ass out of yourself when you ASSUME you know exactly what a woman wants. Because here's the thing men, women, just like you, are all different. In fact, every person is different because we all have certain techniques we like, places to be touched, etc.
What works for one women, won't work for another. Hell, even what worked for her the last 10 times, might not all of sudden be what she wants this 11th time around. I think you get the picture. The point is, when you assume what a women likes in the bedroom, you're going to more than likely leave her sexually frustrated, unhappy, and turned off.
And here's the thing men, sometimes a woman might not volunteer that information right away. Maybe she's shy or scared to speak up. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or bring down your pride. Whatever the case, the best thing you can do is open up your mind and become very curious. In fact, approach it as if you want to know every single thing possible you can do to please us women.
We don’t expect you to be mind-readers in the bedroom (or at least, we shouldn't), but if we’re not openly communicating with you what we like, then you need to be asking us questions. Don't be afraid to ask specific questions like “How does this feel?” or “Do you want something different?” In other words, ask us for directions and allow us to open up and give you the road map to what makes us happy. You'd be surprised how if you approach this in a loving and genuine way, how much a woman will want to open up to you.
Author: Rebecca Bartley, Dating & Relationship Coach for Single Men
Rebecca Bartley is the Founder/Dating & Relationship Coach for Dating Bites, a coaching company dedicated to helping single men tackle their dating and relationship issues to attract their dream woman and form a long-lasting relationship together. With over 10 years worth of industry knowledge and experience when it comes to dating and relationships, Rebecca has been coaching both men and women to become more successful in their relationships and the dating world overall. If you are interested in working one-on-one with Rebecca, click here to book a FREE Strategy Call with her to start seeing results and improving your love life today!